Lies locking up those troubled tears.

am i blind?cause i thought i have lost ability to feel pain.i feel so surreal cause i keep smiling at myself,keeping in mind the way of things at the end of the day.the end result which matters.the hopes,expectations and ambition seem to even distant further looking at the deep pit i'm in.speaking of expectations,to hell with it.cause it's real fake,mundane and pointless.i look at the palm of my hand and gaze,cajoling that impacting feel i once i had.it seemed in vain and i know it from the start(come on,doesn't hurt trying,what nonsense) and yet i still did attempt.murder me please.i fear i can no longer stand independently,don't talk about confidently cause the ending is always expected out of me.it really sucks big time to rejoice on your success one moment and then the next someone or a part of you comes straight in your face saying the achievement is ordinarily unsurprising.there's nothing to be joyful about.and when you start thinking,hey thats true,then why bother to commit into the whole process at the start.yea,i'm the problematic one,driving issues like this complicated.but i can't stand those idiots thinking as long as they are pursuing the normal course,their asses are safe.its kinda struggling cause you see them sinking deeper and yet stand right in front of them doing so.composition of victorious yet disgustful cause youre related to them somehow.but then again,it isn't them that is of my concern eventually.its me.a new start?i can't picture myself waiting patiently for the cold winter to be over and spring day arrives.now that i'm still unraveling by the seams and threads of reality,taking the setback that i can't wait to start looking optimistic.however,where do i replenish that undying yet limited gusto?to drown in ignorance to the surroundings and cry sombrely in anger?will i survive socially?or to walk through my days,be thankful and count my blessings that i don't fall in the condemned category yet;right,its just neither here nor there. 0.o

gee,i feel all sqiurmed up now.like squiggly wirmish.and i have an adrenaline rush to let everything out.i mean besides the retaining issue,there are other factors which affects my mood swings.okay,i got ditched,cheated on,lied,played on and what else.alright,you may say it was some one-sided doing on my part and i was willing being in that position,but i do feel like a complete idiot right now.i feel like a crappy loser,a dumb git that got played unknowingly.and worse still,its not like a week,month thing or two.its years.oh gosh,what am i gonna do?just when i think that the world has a glimspe of hope for me to grasp on the courage to preserve,i have to be engulfed in darkness and lies.i believed in hope you know,truly.and i don't expect anything in return just to see your face and wish that everything else stays constant except your smile and not avoiding me.have i done anything wrong?i haven't even take a step to endure all this.its really unfair.and no matter how many times i told myself to get up and take it aback;an experience in growing up,i'm sure the hurt inflicted could never be lessened.i feel infinite krptonites piercing through my heart.really,the pain felt could never be put through the same impact of any sufferings in other aspects of life like studies.both are important and crucial to me.i'm not implying that a person will make me give myt studies up,but the harm caused due to selfishness is relatively more than the failure i faced in my academics.my pride has been trampled.least in studies,i can pull my bootstraps together still.how to climb and stagger up when my face and ego's totally crushed.i cannot imagine the time when i have conquered this moment and face the fact.i know i shouldn't be living in self-denial.my life on the web is a facade;to gain attention,to face the non-truth,and live on self-denial happiness.its really tiring but i just can't take the effort to take the mask off completely.and when i stand before a single truth,another lie comes peeking in like multiplying-bacteria.the cycle is end-going and i know i'm not in the right strength to have reality thrown on a face-to-face meeting,yet.yeah,thats probably why human fantasizes.am i one then?which category would i be classified in?yeah,i learnt my lesson now?i realised never to go out all completely for anyone but myself.i cannot fall into other's clutches,never ever again.

In the distance, I see a darker light.It's not always rainbows.

life's been whoozing past and whoa,we're all gonna be celebrating chinese new year.many times i wanna update but seeing post after post although there's only 3,they're still of the same genre which makes it sickening to read.but then again,after all this is a bloody pessimistic procrastinating corner.besides no one actually comes except me.its nice actually to have this,i should done this long ago cause it feels magnificent penning down my thoughts which noone i have in mind will bother about the content here.what an online diary.
basically,i'm still feeling sore about the retaining issue.presently,i'm just ensued by a really sour feeling.no wonder i have a sweet tooth to counter it.a part of me wanna be with my batch so that i'm on the normal route of the right education.though its the at the end of the day which matters so the time period in learning matters relatively lesser.but i still care.i wanna graduate normally,like in primary school there's EM1,EM2 &EM3.secondary school there 's special,express,normal academic,normal technical.i don't ask for myself to be plain jane,and neither do i wanna be extraordinary superman.i just wanna lead my life normally,not be outta line of the standard route i chose.if i choose jc life,i should only take 2 years,but why am i taking 3 instead?i don't deny i'm stupid and slow/slower than others,but i guess all these just boils down to laziness.yes yes,i agree too.there's no stupid people on earth,except those who have an incapable ability,only lazy ones.i really wonder and eager to see myself in the working society.of course i've taken in the fact i'll be working under people(like isn't such fate sealed the moment there are the existence of gifted kids of tomorrow-IP,scholars etc).i mean in the working world,such scenarios are inevitable,however much that i deceived myself that its Not alright to be taking 1 additional year,but at the end of the day,maybe i'll live off better.i'm uncertain about that.what i'm definite is that i need to start cracking and work hard.yes,work harder than before cause this is my only chance to alter my destiny for the better.i don't wanna suffer for the rest of my life.i want a non-crappy job and obviously i hate to depend on marriage.my gosh...so now,how well the current graduating batch of 2009 will serve as a gauge on how i will fare should i choose to be with them.i know i'm mean but i'm seriously anticipating eagerly.but let's not be too merry over this evil thought.start cracking to work!its time to move on better instead of dawdling on the dumb setback.come on!

Hide the lie.

so okay,i seriously wanna bang my head against the wall cause i guess my ego's fighting back on the retaining issue.i seriously could wear a mask everywhere in school,and not walk around.i guess i'm gonna be like the movie scene of mean girls;toliet=break!aha,thats what i'll do.i can't bear to face anyone,much less my batch of people.gosh,i know i'm procrastinating a lot but i'm just discontented of how things are going.yes yes,i deserve it,hit me hard on the hard please.what did i just do?omg,i just confided my situtation earlier than predicted.yes,someone bash the weasles out of me.i need a massage therapist and aromatherapy treatment now,fast!i need to chillax,but as the days go by,i seem to lose my true self a little more and a little bit.how am i gonna cope for the rest of 2009.i should rejoice cause i have 1 additional year to master the concepts of my foundation.i wanna score.i wanna do well.i need to put in effort for once.tracy!wake up.i need myself to shake me hard so i'm paying attention to what i'm posting here.as it can be seen,the above crap is rubbish cause i'm distracted with reality and the activities taking in the surroundings.
1 more thing i wanna mention is how fast the attitudes of human change against like less than a month period of time.its pathetically fascinating actually cause you'll kinda feel sorry about the loss of what you thought a pal and interesting cause you get to see the different types of people co-existing with you for like a year.how Human nature works man,thanks alot who've contributed.your efforts have reaped disbelievable results.and if you had even thought about the reason why,maybe ask nature itself for it is what which evolve you.
oh please,call upon the name itself however you like.some matters can't be produce the same impact as it did the first time even though its repeated back the same method.it'll just cause the extent of the mess increasingly difficult to clear up.thats why its called a first time.how mundanely stupid can nature get at times.shrug,i just can't help if there hopeless aliens on planet earth.maybe i should instigate a freaks/dorks-cleansing plan to whomever shares similar sentiments as me.there's no stupid people,only lazy ones.

yes i admit i am one,and my ego paid for it.

Yeah,don't worry,i wouldn't like me either.

maybe i'm trapped in the darkness for too long that i've adapted to be numb of my feelings.or so,a bottomless hole/pit of whatever one calls it.i felt like an empty shell,with no heading,submitting to the orders of people around me,not that i'm faulting them or so,but i just feel nothing.nothing more than a retainee starting school 3 weeks later and nothing less than a destitude trapped in her own destiny.or maybe fate's a better word for me.i've completed nothing that seemed constructive,to me yet for i'm still not giving a fresh clear start of success.still living in the disapppointment to myself and others,but most importantly,myself thats of course.am i that stupid in the first place?or is it just me being cocky(and i know it yet i don't think a change is relevant)on how things were?or both with more factors coming up along the way if i were still to name them.gosh,this sucks terribly.i kinda do detest me now.

The party is just getting started when i die.

alright,it doesn't sound that worse when i say it but i just feel like this now.no one's celebrating of course unless you would consider those peepo rejoicing their marvellous 'o' level results.like 10 A1s,8 A1s one A2,only subject which didn't get an A1;German!can you imagine that.i'm gonna be competing with this insane-for studying-gits in the upcoming(not that i'm looking forward to it,and also any forthcoming)A levels examination.like zomg,i'm gonna be fighting very hopelesslyyet competitively with them.damn,i'm so gonna study.why,upon realisation there's a new addition of #regret in my 'regret agenda' now. #(?)i didn't study the whole year in 2008.although its what everyone else is saying,idk,to make them feel more confident that they put no/minimal effort in their academics and ended up promoted,oh wells.i guess one just reap what they sow.its so darn true.yah,my humongous ego is gonna be paying the consequences,consider a lesson learnt or not although taking 1 extra year is so damn suitable for people like me,but yeah.i deserve it man.
okay,so lets do a little poking around on the j2's life.hmm,pretty much hetic and different from j1,of course i'm not surprised,like come on,by july or so,they have to be super prepared for A levels although i'm doubtful most of them aren't.okay,its just my personal opinion which too applies for myself.not that i'm only trying to look on to the pessimistic perspective that being promoted is real great but it isn't if one scraped through;barely too.it pretty sucks yah lah,like having nightmares on the reputation column like i'm going be identified as the retainee,yah.the retainee with the bob.gosh,it sounds darn mean.i really do hate it when people keep putting the idea of retaining like its drinking water.its so undescribably annoying when they don't even put their words to action since they so affirmed blah blah(mouths dangling with the pros of retain)or how about the idea of a 3 year Jc course islandwide(okay,it won't sound that much like a Jc route anymore)currently,from dependable resources,class's being really draggy and tired,like a machine which worked 24/7 and hadn't had any rest since whenever.yah,Jc life's tough,there shouldn't be the word rest.but according to them,the absence of condusive noise,entertainment,laughter and most importantly the exclusive members of 123 08` has proven an impact on the current 219.its still exclusive cause the existence of those dorks still hadn't caught my attention yet.
indeed its saddening not to be able to graduate in the same batch.will the obstacles in life be any different than it could have been if i had not cause such a change to my educational route?though right now,thinking when i step into the society,its very unlikely to find competitors in my batch but who knows what unforeseen situations will take place?i really have little confidence in the future.;my future.back-up route?=(mind's a blank) i don't have any extra elective,foreign language,cultural talent even?how to even compete with this additional burden of being held back another year.though i do not say aloud i really mind retaining,but then again i'm sure of myself i will end up crap unsatisfactory 'A' level results if i do go up to j2,what a dilema and horrid mess i'm in.i don't wanna suffer the rest of my life living under people's noses although my fate is already sealed that i'm gonna be doing that from the moment i screwed up my PSLE. my competitors,those who secured a place in the finest schools in the country.gosh,what am i gonna do.having known such brillant people in the upcoming batch i'll be pitting against,i'm not the least confident in scoring;to even get started.