Lies locking up those troubled tears.

am i blind?cause i thought i have lost ability to feel pain.i feel so surreal cause i keep smiling at myself,keeping in mind the way of things at the end of the day.the end result which matters.the hopes,expectations and ambition seem to even distant further looking at the deep pit i'm in.speaking of expectations,to hell with it.cause it's real fake,mundane and pointless.i look at the palm of my hand and gaze,cajoling that impacting feel i once i had.it seemed in vain and i know it from the start(come on,doesn't hurt trying,what nonsense) and yet i still did attempt.murder me please.i fear i can no longer stand independently,don't talk about confidently cause the ending is always expected out of me.it really sucks big time to rejoice on your success one moment and then the next someone or a part of you comes straight in your face saying the achievement is ordinarily unsurprising.there's nothing to be joyful about.and when you start thinking,hey thats true,then why bother to commit into the whole process at the start.yea,i'm the problematic one,driving issues like this complicated.but i can't stand those idiots thinking as long as they are pursuing the normal course,their asses are safe.its kinda struggling cause you see them sinking deeper and yet stand right in front of them doing so.composition of victorious yet disgustful cause youre related to them somehow.but then again,it isn't them that is of my concern eventually.its me.a new start?i can't picture myself waiting patiently for the cold winter to be over and spring day arrives.now that i'm still unraveling by the seams and threads of reality,taking the setback that i can't wait to start looking optimistic.however,where do i replenish that undying yet limited gusto?to drown in ignorance to the surroundings and cry sombrely in anger?will i survive socially?or to walk through my days,be thankful and count my blessings that i don't fall in the condemned category yet;right,its just neither here nor there. 0.o